A Reflection on Grief, Ego, Forgiveness and Letting Love Leave

A reconciliation with myself and those around me.

A digital collage made by me including some pictures I’ve taken, pictured is a book a bought “El Miedo a la Libertad” by Erich Fromn, my coffee grains at the bottom of my mug, my parents photos, polaroids I found at el MAMBO en Bogotá, pictures of people found at my grandmothers, a picture of the church my parents were married at, my hand holding flowers, the background is a painting by Abel Rodríguez, a few unknown sources from Pinterest.

This initial collage that I made was created during a period of grief and reflection. Taking old and new images to try and grasp the idea of acceptance. I found myself in this uncomfortable, confusing, transitional period and started working through this reflection.

A few years ago I was in my cousins home visiting for the holidays, we were having a conversation and I jokingly said, “time isn’t real” he immediately interjected by saying something along the lines of “Are you insane? Of course it is! Time exists because movement exists. You’re moving aren’t you?” The earth moves and the shadows creep upon us, the years of waking and laying to rest are of many and will continue to be. The sun gets older, weaker, dimmer and the shadow continues to remind us of absence, the moments when the wind struck a chord

My beautiful dog, Cucha Cuchara in the countryside where my cousin lives. Photo taken by me, Andrea Sofía Mosquera Beltrán.

Grief is a constant theme in almost every human beings life time. It doesn’t only entail physical death but the general loss of the superficial; such as a home, a friendship, a territory, a dress, the list goes on. I am grieving, constantly, whether I wish to or not. I grieve old friendships that have ended, the life I lived a few months ago, the life I’ve dreamt of living, old habits that I’ve abandoned for the better, the fruits I can no longer find, being able to hug my mother whenever I wish to (she lives in another state).

Though, grief is recycled. Some may linger in it, learn how to cope as the years go by, some transform it, maybe a bit of each for others. It is a choice to face and feel discomfort.

A huge thing that has helped me understand my sentiments towards grief has been understanding that ego is the main component of it. Without ego, death or loss is simply a thing, a transition, the end of a cycle, but when our ego comes into play loss turns into a personal vendetta. The thought of living without your most valuable material needs can become debilitating, turning you into a chronic victim.

Loss isn’t personal, it is an uncontrollable part of life and is hard to accept. It’s hard to cope with, because we have to continue living knowing that there’s something ‘missing’. It is almost impossible to not grieve the never ending possibilities of ‘if things were different’. Though, what happens when loss turns into a transition? A new chapter? What if grief turned into forgiveness? An acknowledgment of a moment to honor what was shared. A sacred reminder that we must allow love to pass us by, as an act of love. Accepting and transforming grief is revolutionary, by radically accepting, you are forgiving yourself and others, allowing the time to cultivate to newfound experience and change.

Though I’ve been in a good amount of friendships and relationships, I’ve loved few times. I came to recognize this through my own manifestation of grief post-breakup. So many times I’ve resorted to feeling like I had lost an ego battle, wishing that they would feel just as bad as they made me feel, even waiting for them to feel a level of regret for having hurt me. I’m not proud of it but I also recognize that I was jaded. I wanted to feel heard and understood because I didn’t feel secure with myself or my grief for that matter. I yearned for an external validation to feel secure with my coping. In all actuality, the few times I’ve truly loved, I wished peace and prosperity to those loved ones’ journey without me.

The loves I’ve allowed to leave have by far been the least painful; bittersweet yes, but the pain was within the acceptance, the change in rhythm. There was no self doubt, no second guessing and it was all because my love for those people were not centered in my own ego. It was not about how they made me feel but how much I felt, how much I admired and adored them. So often we confuse validation with love. Letting go can be one of the biggest representations of true, unconditional love.

Love is the full acceptance of what is presented, including the absence. It is forgiveness. Taking the other persons needs into account instead of nourishing your own ego because you want the best for them. This can be applied to oneself as well. Our needs are ever changing in the same way that we are ever changing.

Permanence is an illusion, even if someone continues to stay in your life up until your last moments, both parties have changed, transformed and loved new versions of one another. The idea that something will forever stay and stay the same is absurd in and of itself. Just think about how many different versions of you your mother has loved and vice-versa.

My mom and I at the pool.

To refer back to my cousins perspective, along with time, we are constantly in motion. We are gracing new experiences and changing our perspective and coping with life every day. Touching grounds that we never imagined we’d touch in our lifetime. Every instance of every day changes our life trajectory, our reaction or internalization evolves the more we face and accept.

There are past versions of myself that I miss, obviously I’m still me, but I have changed. I try to grow and love each chapter of myself and the life I live, we can love and accept the past while acknowledging and truly accepting the present.

Time is real and sooooo so precious.